dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
