Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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