the condom got lost in my hair
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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