Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
