We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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