apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
