Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
