Farmville is her only friend.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
