i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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