youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
