I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
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