yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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