sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.