My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.