ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.