i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
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The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
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What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....