just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.