Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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