He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
