Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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