my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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