Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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