my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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