So drunk its hurt
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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