I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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