She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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