I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
