Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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