My pussy is not your playground.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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