She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
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I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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