This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
