i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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