When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
