i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
