can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't put those talents on a resume
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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