I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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