Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
