The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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