I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
