They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
