a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
