I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
