Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
