textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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