i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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