I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
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you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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