I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
bring money and cleavage
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
