I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
