Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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