i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
