Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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