The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
