I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize