Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
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Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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