it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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