I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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