i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
