Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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